On reflective behaviour and self-critical.

there’s always flaws to however perfect, a thing is.

Speaking of which, for me personally I have only one month left in my internship contract and I got green lights already to pursue whatever I want for the next six months because I’ve been responsible for my grade (that’s where your 5am sleep takes you) also since I can’t working on my final papers soon enough. For me, life unfolded itself as even more harder choices and event of domino consequences than ever.

2022 also amazed me because it’s opened itself with atleast two songs that slaps me right in the face, asking me (kurang ajarly) to open up with myself and heal the unfinished business with whatever inner child I had in me.

Lauv — 26, as far as I know Lauv and his songs, he positioned himselves as dumper (Feelings, Love Somebody) in his several previous relationships and telling us how he felt as life unfold in front of him. In 26, Lauv retells Modern Loneliness through his post-quarter life crisis point of view.

I’ve been starin’ at the ceilin’ for like ten days
But I’m pretty sure that I forgot
What it’s like to be a person that doesn’t think
That everything he does just sucks
Ooh it’s a perfect world until it’s not

It’s the point of no return when you came into self-conscious-critical state of mind, atleast for me and Lauv. It’s hard to being present when you always regretting things or always wonder about the list of never-happened “what if” that just goes on, repeating on your mind.

How the hell did it come to this?

Nobody knows. At some point I cried and realized what I was crying for wasn’t the what if moments, it was the old-me and my innocent-self that knows nothing and seeing the world through Spongebob point of view, smiling, and doesn’t give a fuck about any single shit thrown at him. When and how does it all changes? That’s one question that would open the pandora box in me.

26 was the song about when you reach that one peak in your life then you said, terus apa? Then you’ll find and try to reach another peak, higher ones this time. It’s the endless thrill after one another.

The Weeknd — Less Than Zero, sober after hit it hard through After Hours, the Weeknd comes to one realization that he’s, not feeling myself and got some guilt/regret that he can’t explain to his s/o, makes him feeling that it’s best for the relationship ended because both deserves better.

(Now how much would that relate to me? 12/10.)

At certain point, you realize that you’re being pushy and demanding and all towards your partner, was the reflection of you that can’t get enough of yourself.

As an ENTJ and a Cancer myself, you know that half of you was self-critical and the other half just being too soft and taking feelings easily. It’s hard to know when your self-critical part kicks in and said “meh” to everything you just done/did, invalidate everything that makes you always feel that you’re in this unfinished quest of wanting and needing more. Oh god, — we were softer than rotiboy crust’s that everyone bought on the airport.

No wonder I’ve been so hard on myself. I’m literally trapped in this self-critic cycle to always pursue things endlessly, and I’m taking it to the heart.

I’ll always be less than zero
You tried your best with me, I know

In the end the realization you had wasn’t just because. It meant to help you grows through certain direction that were prepared for you, even if it means you’re going downhill for sometime and got to feel your all-time-low.

I know that this is going to be long and probably lifetime learning, on how to finally being enough on yourself and feeling secure with just yourself. Sometimes insecurity creeping in, some other times it’s just you and your self-doubt behaviour that thinking one two steps too far and leaving you feeling paranoid.

But it’s just the way life presents itself to us, I remember that one quote I remember from one of my favorite poet, “Kadang-kadang hidup berubah arah untuk memasukkan porsinya dalam kehidupan kita.” Bahkan ketika kita berpikir we got it all under control, ‘life’ knows how to fit themselves into our life. We call it fate, or luck.

I bounce back months later and working on myself now. I’ve been hitting the gym, read more books, taking care of my skin better and I know that I can’t do that without the self-critical part in me.

As the highs turn into lows after so many happiness to close last year’s story — which I haven’t write either, it’s always you and your contemplation thought in your room at midnight. 2022 was unique because I don’t know why are people being so collectively-reflective — which is a good thing, but I guess here’s where pandemic takes us; to rethink about our decision and where we would take our life path going.

Speaking of which, for me personally I have only one month left in my internship contract and I got green lights already to pursue whatever I want for the next six months because I’ve been responsible for my grade (that’s where your 5am sleep takes you) also since I can’t working on my final papers soon enough. For me, life unfolded itself as even more harder choices and event of domino consequences than ever.

Sure, this is where your self-critical part comes in. I’ve always hated him for making me feel so insecure and incapable of seeing the beauty in me, but one thing for sure is love grows, slowly. I learn how to love myself and stop being too hard on that one person I see in the mirror.

Because in the end, that person is all that I got. Gotta make that person happy first before anyone else!

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Kanzia Rahman

To forgive the limitations of my own mind and to be thankful of how a world could be, I write.